Left on Hereford

I know it's been a bit since the terrible events that occurred at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. I also know I haven't made any lengthy posts about it or told my story of the day. The truth is, I've just been not ok. Like most, I had a really hard time talking or thinking about it. I'm still being woken up in the middle of the night by nightmares.

But, I am slowly getting better. Last night I finally went through the 30 "Are you ok?" text messages  I still hadn't opened from that day and I realized that writing my story down is an important step to feeling better. I also know this event is going to be a large event in Boston's history so I would like to keep my account of the day somewhere and what better place than here :)

I apologize for the length and how heavy it gets at times, I just wanted my timeline of events to be written down.

Marathon Monday started off as the quintessential running weather day. After a weekend of varying emotions at the crowded/overwhelming expo and my bib pick up, inspirational pre-race dinner with Tedy's Team and overall anxiety and an accidentally yellow spray painted singlet from letter writing mishap; I felt ready. Chris drove me out to meet my team in Hopkinton and the same time all the yellow buses were filling the mass pike with runners heading out to the athletic village. It was quite the sight; so much energy in the air!

I was calmer than I thought I would be. I said a much quicker/less anxiety filled goodbye to Chris than I expected and headed on in to sit for 3+ hours with my team. Snacks were had, letters were drawn on singlets and bodies and overall it was a nice atmosphere full of support and jokes about the pain we were all going to put ourselves through in these 26.2 miles. We all got excited when Tedy Bruschi showed up with his son to give us support and pump us up. We took so many team photos and before you knew it, we were headed down to get to the start line. As we entered the crowd fenced lined street (Tedy just pulled back a part of the fence to let us in) he gave each one of us a hug and wished us luck. I felt ready.

We got into corral 5 and it was amazing to see how many people came out to witness the start. It was announced that in Wave 3 (which is where the majority of the charity runners are placed) we raised over 11 Million Dollars all together for our respective charities. Woah! And then, quicker than I expected, we were off! I remember getting this crazy feeling when we started. There were TVs everywhere, so much crowd support-HOLY CRAP I WAS RUNNING THE BOSTON MARATHON!

I tried so hard to keep my pace steady. My 5k and 10k split were in 2 seconds of each other but I soon realized...something wasn't quite right. I told myself I would get over it and chugged through. I forgot I wrote my name on my arms and it was amazing having kids yell your name out as you ran by. There were some funny sights along the way as well. Like a crowded biker bar whose patrons were outside cheering in their own way and this crazy drunken house in Framingham where you could smell the booze from the road. The crowds were unreal. I saw Chris at the 6k mark and then K& C in Natick! I knew I was only going to be seeing more and more people I knew as the race went on!

I reached the half marathon point and I just started feeling worse and worse. What was going on! My training runs went so well! I also noticed my hands were FREEZING and when they freeze they just ache and are quite painful. I trudged on and asked a med tent for gloves. No dice. I then realized there might be a slim chance someone may not have shredded all their layers yet and I might find one on the road to pick up. What do you know, I ended up seeing a little black glove in the middle of the road. I excitedly picked it up thinking I could trade it between hands and then I saw the other one! Gloves acquired!! I thought all my woes were over...and then right between Wellesley Center and Newton Lower Falls I bonked real hard. I was just so overwhelmed that I was actually running the Boston Marathon (my dream), people were tracking me and I wasn't doing so great all of a sudden. In the back of my mind, I knew there was no way I wasn't going to finish - even if I had to walk/crawl the rest of the race.

All of a sudden I felt these arms come around me from behind and a familiar voice say, "what's wrong sweetie?!" LB! (aka Tri-sherpa) She took one look at me and the goose bumps on my arms and told me I was very dehydrated. She gave me a salt tablet and told me I needed to drink more asap. I told her I thought I was having a panic attack, I was so nervous and I felt my throat closing. We walked together and she made me feel so much better. My mind was with my family and Chris who were waiting for me at the Newton Fire Station. I know they were worrying about me because I was off my pace and I knew they were concerned they hadn't seen me yet. I finally saw them and LB told me to go over and hug them. They looked horrified. I told them all it was ok, I was ok, I just was struggling but LB saved me, I was feeling better and please don't worry. Chris didn't say a word. I had to run off and I felt so bad. I knew they were so worried! Mile by mile, stride by stride next to LB I felt better and better. When I finally saw my Aunt and her cute kids with a sign close to the base of Heartbreak Hill, I was feeling so much better. She ran out in the road with me and I told her (I knew she had talk to my Mom) to please tell my Mom I'm ok, I'm doing better! She was so sweet and cheered us on as we went on to Heartbreak Hill. It was rough, lots of walking but we were in good spirits and I even sang to this random man to keep him entertained. One of LB's friends jumped in with us and we continued trotting along, so close! I was then alerted that apparently my thighs were bleeding. Oops! Didn't even noticed that one. Apparently my new running shorts (I know, I know, nothing new on race day) had an annoying hem line that my legs didn't like too much. O well, they gave me vaseline and I just keeping trucking. Mile 20!

I had a realization during the Marathon that your first Marathon (and maybe even your 2nd, 3rd, 4th...) isn't about time. It's about supporting one another, enjoying being part of an amazing atmosphere where random people cheer for you and want you to accomplish an impressive task. Consider it as your victory lap for all the hardwork you put in training in the cold weather and fundraising for several months! I also realized (even though so many people had told me already) the Boston Marathon is a very hard first Marathon to run!

Around BC and into Cleveland circle we go. And then...around Mile 22...something wasn't right. The crowds were much less thick than I was expecting. My phone was on airplane mode the whole time but all of a sudden LB's phone rang and she answered it. I saw the look on her face just melt and we were all just confused as to what news could she have heard. Her friend was asking if she was ok and said two explosions went off at the finish line. Umm what? Our other friend who jumped into run with us tried to google/call but we couldn't find any info out. I began to think what could be up. Explosions? That's probably just a generic term for a sparkler or a man hole cover popping up due to steam pressure. Maybe it was something with the hordes of people taking the T. I was really convinced that the use of the word explosion was just an exaggeration for something smoking or popping. We asked around and it seemed like others had heard something happened but no one got hurt. I then asked a National Guard what happened and she said, "It's better if you don't know." Umm what? That's not helpful!

All I remember thinking was that I just had to get there. We were so close! I was almost at Mile 24! I mean, we were all still running, no one said anything to us so what was everyone talking about? A rush of several cop cars came speeding by and we saw helicopters up in the sky. What was going on? The only thought in my mind was just to get there. There is was nothing I could do from Brookline, everyone and my stuff was waiting for me in Boston and I just needed to get there. I saw a group of my college friends with an awesome poster of me pass by. They were leaving the finish line? Walking back? I figured they just made spectators leave but runners would still more than likely be able to just cross.

"CATTTTTTTT!" I heard screaming from the side and all of a sudden I see the two smiling faces of my childhood friends B & M come excitedly jumping in with me from the sidelines. They cheered me on and told me what a great job I was doing and that I was almost there. O ok, we are still running a race! I nervously chatted about what I bad race I had, how I heard something was up but I was so close so hopefully I can just finished...yada yada yada... I asked if they knew what was going on. They seemed to know just as much as me, there was some sort of "explosion" at the finish but no cell phones were working and no one knew much else. O ok, so maybe it's not that bad. I ran a mile with them switching emotions between joy I was almost there and then fear maybe something was really up. I saw a huge group in front of me and I also saw the Mile 25 maker. Were they diverting us? Extra security?

I then ran into a row of state troopers who informed me, "The Race has been canceled."

WHAT? How does a Marathon get canceled? The BOSTON Marathon?!

I'll admit, I was mad. I burst into tears immediately. I tried to keep running in a different direction until I saw 26.2 on my garmin (we were told to stop). My friends (thank god they were with me) just held me as I sobbed and sobbed. It just didn't make any sense. Who would take away my dream like that? The dreams of thousands of runners? At Mile 25, I'm so freakin close! WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON?

As I stood among a huge a group of tired/confused runners, my two friends holding me as I'm crying the hardest I think I have ever cried in the last 10 years; two women came by and put blankets around me. They said they were at the Sox game and were heading back.

The rest of my memories are all sort of mushed together. It felt like everything I was looking frantically around at had its colors just running together like paint on a canvas. I remember asking a race official if I could get to the Lenox because that's where my bag was. He said all hotels were closed. I was able to talk to Chris before and I knew they were ok and were on their way to meet my sister at the finish line (she works right on Boylston.). I figured it was time to give them a call and meet up. There was a huge line of runners in the middle of Comm ave in the walkway part waiting to board buses. We were getting pushed left and found our way on a street. Chris and crew said they met up with my sister and were headed towards me. I slumped myself on the steps of this apt and just waited. My friends were amazing and waited with me and just tried to keep me calm.

I looked up to see what street we were on: Hereford.

I couldn't believe it. For those that don't know, the last directions of the Boston Marathon course is, Right on Hereford, left on Boylston.  Turns out that was the street I turned left down to wait to be reunited with my family. I also knew my Mom was holding my Marathon jacket and the T-shirt I so desperately wanted to earn that read: Right on Hereford, left on Boylston. I remember all of our training runs that went right by Hereford Street and I would always eagerly look down, so excited for the day when I would finally turn down it. It just wasn't right.

My phone was going off at maddening rate with texts/phone calls/fbook messages but I just sitting there unable to move or react. After a run in with a not-so-helpful cop, Chris finally found me and I just hugged him and cried some more. They were able to grab a tin foil blanket for me and wrapped me in it with my arms tied in it. My Mom tried to give me my Marathon jacket and I just shrugged it off. I couldn't have it, I didn't go the full distance. Then they briefly told me what happened. My sister said she was holding a spot for everyone at the finish line and got knocked over and her leg hurt. The explosions were bombs.

What. Bombs? At a Marathon? My sister was right there? It just didn't make sense. How bad was it? They told me they thought people were killed.

I felt so guilty for my former feelings about being mad I didn't get to finish. I felt guilty I begged my family to all be at the finish line to cheer me on. I felt guilty my sister got hurt. What was the reason this madness that had just occurred? What does someone have against a Marathon?

The cops were yelling at everyone and we knew we needed to get out the there. We really had no other option than to put 6 people in Chris' 4 person BMW coupe. Chris asked if I wanted to be carried or have him bring the car around. I said I just needed to walk. I felt like the last hours and 25 miles of my life didn't happen. None of that mattered any more.

As we were walking, I happened to see a member of Tedy's Team standing on a corner with her Mom waiting for the rest of her family. We both gave each other this sad acknowledgement, she didn't get to finish either. We both asked if the other one's loved ones were ok and they were. We continued the mile walk to the car. Along the way, a random girl offered me a gatorade she got for her friend but her friend didn't want it. All of these random acts of kindness toward me were very appreciated but I just had this overall numb feeling that was consuming me.

We all went back to my house and I said I just wanted to be around everyone. We ordered pizzas and everyone was glued to the news.

And then my family told me they were so happy I had a bad race. I didn't realize that had I been running at my normal pace, I would have been right there. I also didn't realize that me struggling so much in Wellesley delayed my family from leaving the Newton Firehouse sooner to meet up with my sister. My family was only two blocks away when the bombs went off. It could have been so much worse.

My sister rolled up her jeans so she could inspect her leg. She had a series of nasty large bruises followed by some intense small ones of varying colors all over her leg. I didn't know what to say. I was so stunned and felt so guilty. I gave her a pair of my sweat pants and a bunch of ice packs. She inspected her jeans and found specs of some substances stuck to them. I don't want to try to imagine what it was. She seemed ok and tried to joke about what a great spot she was able to grab for everyone at the finish line. After watching the news footage (I really wanted to shut it off but I felt like I couldn't even move to say anything) and seeing those yellow balloons go up in the air, my sister noted that she remembered seeing them right near her. The thought just makes me shudder.

I still had all these messages pouring in but I just didn't know what to say. I put up a general fbook post, sent an email to my work and then just sat around with everyone. My Dad came to pick everyone up and my sister's friend came to get her. Everyone joked that they were so glad I had a bad race. I tried to edge out a smile.

I really just didn't know what to do. Chris had gotten me a cute alpaca headscarf thing to match my gloves and suggested we get ice cream (it makes everything better). The roomies and I met up with K&C at JP Licks. I was so thankful to be in their company and have their support. Greg came over and we all just sat, not really knowing how to put into words what we were feeling but glad to be in each others company. I went upstairs and found my Mom had left my Marathon congratulation gift on my bed. I just teared up and knew I couldn't open it yet.

I had the next day off and I spent most of the morning just sitting in Chris' apt while he worked just trying to wrap my head around everything. I put on my Marathon jacket because I realized it was no longer about finishing 26.2 miles, it was a symbol to honor everyone affected by yesterday's events. My Mom told me my sister went to the hospital to confirm she was ok and then invited me to go to lunch. She turned out to be ok and it felt really good to see her. Chris and I decided to go walk somewhere pretty and went to Castle Island. It was really windy and we ended up at our favorite Southie bar. I saw a girl walking in also wearing the Marathon jacket and I realized it was 3 girls from Tedy's Team! It was so relieving to see them in person. They had sent an email saying everyone on the team was ok but it just felt so good to see everyone in person. Another Tedy's Team member met up with us and we shared beers and stories and it felt good to be around them.

I went into work the next day and just wanted to hide. I didn't know what to say and I really didn't want to say anything at all. I just kept crying all the time and shaking inside. I knew I needed to get back into my normal swing of things, and despite the very kind offers telling me it was ok if I just wanted to go home, I stuck it out.

The next few days I just felt dead inside. I knew I wanted to be strong but it was so hard to wrap my head around reality. I kept waking up thinking it was all just a bad dream. A friend of mine suggested I go pick up my medal. She said it helped her feel better. I was skeptical but I figured it didn't hurt. I was able to pick up my finish line clothes from Tedy's Team (who has been amazing) and went to get my medal. The BAA has done a great job. I got my medal, petted the comfort dogs and felt a little better.

I also had a vacation coming up that Sunday. It was supposed to be a post-Marathon celebration vacation and a relief from all the training. At this point, I was just looking forward to being away from TVs, internet and sirens for awhile.

I woke up Friday to a similar noise from my phone like it was on the Marathon. I couldn't handle it. I ignored it. The noise persisted. What was going on now?! "Don't leave your house." Um what? We spent the whole day glued to the TV and scared to open our door. I just shook the whole day. I tried to distract myself with packing, it didn't go so well. I was just at that Watertown Target the night before buying sunscreen and now it was part of the headquarters for the operation. That area was a mile away from our house. The Black Hawks circled our house several times throughout the day and I just had a nauseous feeling in my stomach the whole time. Finally, later in the evening, it was "over." Some clarity had finally been shown in this turn of events. I felt relieved they had caught and identified the people responsible but still uneasy about what it all meant. 

Luckily in one short day I was off to Nicaragua with no TV/Phone/Internet/Sirens for a full week. It was exactly what I needed. Nights spent sleeping a mere few feet from the water and days filled with hiking/surfing/horseback riding/yoga activities.

I just got back on Sunday and I feel so much better. I feel able to take another step in the moving on process and finally publicly share my Marathon experience with this blog entry. I know it's going to take awhile to fully heal. If you haven't guessed yet, I'm all in to run it again next year.  Even more determined to race than I was this year. I'm aware I may spend this next year feeling incomplete until I'm finally given a second chance to achieve my dream.

This morning I also took a very important step: I laced up my running sneakers for the first time since the Marathon and went for a memorial run spelling out "Boston" with my Zoom Triathlon team. I ran by the spot on Hereford where I was waiting for my family that day and we finally ran down Boylston. I will also be running the last 5 miles of the Marathon course with Tedy's Team on Saturday.

Here is the map and what it looks like on my garmin:

This morning, we had a moment of silence at the Marathon Memorial and then, as LB and I held hands, we all ran across the finish.

There it is. I know it was a very long post and if you took time out of your day to read about my experience, I'm very flattered and appreciative.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me during this time, I'm sorry if I wasn't able to respond to your message but know that I read it and it meant a lot.

Boston, you're my City and my home. We are Boston United, Boston Strong.

-cat